the leave-taking
by rodomontading
Summary: Sirius is going off in search of is brother again, but Rush isn't having any of it. disclaimer: this is something I wrote for myself; you don't have to read it and you don't have to like it, but if you do, I will be eternally grateful.


a quick disclaimer: _I wrote this story for myself_. Several years ago, I used to be really into Marauders' Era roleplaying. I was privileged enough to fall in with a group of wonderful people, and I miss them very much. Rush was my original character, and a large part of me is still very much attached to her. I think she's my favorite character that I've ever created. This story is the result of me reminiscing on the past with those wonderful people. I'm not asking you to like this. Maybe someday I'll revisit this and clean it up a bit. But for now, I just had to get this written down. And if any of those people I used to roleplay with happen to stumble across this story: _This one's for you._

* * *

Sirius was leaving again.

She knew this as certainly as she knew it was raining in London that day. She could hear him from where she stood in the kitchen. He was banging around upstairs, gathering supplies, stuffing things into his rucksack. She knew that it was useless to try to stop him; it was an argument they'd had so many times that they knew it all by heart these days. Still, Rush knew she couldn't stand it if she didn't at least try to make him stay, and when she heard him heading for the stairs, she made for the front of the house. She was blocking the doorway when he came down, and he stopped at the second to last step, rucksack slung over his back and a determined expression on his face.

"Get out of my way, Valentine," he said.

Rush snorted. He always did this. Used her surname, used that tone, as if they barely knew each other. As if it hadn't been "Rushie" since second year. As if he had never been vulnerable in front of her. She planted her hands on her hips and stood her ground.

"No," she replied. "Dumbledore told you you're not to go out again."

He laughed, bark-like and derisive. "You think I give a fuck what Dumbledore tells me? Get out of my way."

She knew that he could move her. He had done it before, using magic to pick her up and move her away from the door. He never touched her when they were arguing like this. Never shoved her out of his way. She didn't know if this was because he didn't want to hurt her—physically, anyway—or because he was afraid that if he touched her, it would be too much and he would stay. She didn't touch him, either, mostly because she hated watching him bristle like an angry dog, hated the growling noise he made in his throat. He never used to use that with her. But things were different these days.

To her surprise, he didn't move her. They just stood there, staring at each other for a moment. He came down the steps and stood in front of her.

"You know I have to go, Rush."

That wouldn't work with her.

"You don't, though," she replied. She shook her head. "You keep saying that, but you don't. Regulus is a grown man, Sirius. He's made his choices, and you honestly don't think that you can—"

"I have to try!" he snarled. "Damn it, Valentine, I have to try, don't you get that? He's my family!"

"And what about _us_?" she shot back, volume rising. Leave it to Sirius to make her start shouting. "What about the _Order_? Aren't _we_ your family, too?"

He shook his head, shaggy hair falling across his face. "You don't understand," he said, and turned to head through the house to go out the back. "He's my blood."

"I never knew that _blood_ mattered so much to you."

She wanted to take back the words as soon as they were out of her mouth. He wheeled around, eyes wild, and she thought for a moment he would leap forward and smack her. She watched the emotions playing out on his face. Anger, resentment, hurt, and—maybe she imagined it—understanding. He didn't talk to her until his shoulders had relaxed somewhat, until the dangerous glint in his eyes had faded.

"Is that really what you think?" he whispered, and suddenly he was her Sirius again. He had wanted to hurt her enough to make her let him go, but he'd never meant to hurt her in this way.

"I don't know what to think anymore," she told him. "But I guess it all makes sense now. We're not your _blood_," she said, spitting out the word, "so we're not worth anything to you."

She could see him getting angry, puffing his shoulders and throwing out his chest. "Take that back," he growled. "You take that back right fucking _now_, Rush, because you know it's not true."

"Do I?" she retorted. "I know you don't care what I think. But what about everyone else? What about James and Remus and Peter? What about all of the shit you've been through with them? Does that not count for anything?"

"Regulus is my family," Sirius replied, biting off his words. "He's my _baby brother_."

She shook her head, stepping closer to him. "James _took you in_, Sirius. He took you into his own home when you left yours. He might not be your _blood_, but if there's _anyone_ who is your brother, who is your _family_, it's him. Regulus has made it pretty clear he has no interest in being your brother anymore, but James is _still_ putting himself out there for you."

"James has a family now," Sirius replied.

"And you think you're not part of it?" Rush laughed, a little hysterically. "Do you even hear yourself? James has done _everything_ for you that your so-called _blood_ should have done, and this is how you repay him? By having the audacity to tell me that _you're not his family_? If he were here, he'd punch you."

Sirius rolled his eyes and turned around to go once more. "Whatever you say, Valentine. I'll be going now."

"He goes out looking for you, you know," she said, and he stopped walking again. "When you haven't come back in a week and we don't know what's happened to you. He kisses Lily goodbye and goes out there in search of _you_. Do you know how close he's come to dying? All because he's looking for you while you're out on your suicide mission to save your brother, who doesn't want to be saved."

"I have to try," Sirius said. "It's my fault he's in this mess. I left him."

It always came back to this. Sooner or later, when Sirius was tired of being angry with her, when he was tired of trying to tell her she wasn't right, he would say something like this. And then Rush would let him go, because her heart was breaking for him, because she thought it was the right thing to do. But she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't stand the thought of bandaging him up when he stumbled, bleeding and broken and defeated, through the door again.

"So now you're leaving us," she whispered.

He sighed. "Rush…"

"No. You're doing to us exactly what you think you did to him. He made his own choices, Sirius. You know he did. And now you're going to turn your back on us, on people who love you, because of something that isn't even your fault."

"You're the only one who tries to stop me, you know."

"I know."

"Sometimes I reckon you're the only one who can."

She didn't say anything. He turned around to look at her again and let his rucksack drop to the floor. He ran his hands through his hair and smiled ruefully, shaking his head at her.

"Please stay," she said quietly.

She'd never asked him to before. She'd argued with him and they'd shouted at one another until they were both hoarse. She'd told him why it was wrong to go, she'd told him what it was doing to everyone else. She never asked him, because she never wanted him to resent her. But she was tired of pretending it didn't hurt her anymore. She wanted things to go back to the way they were before he started hunting for his brother. She missed him crashing into the kitchen when she was baking cookies, dumping flour over her head and telling her she'd make a right fine ghost. She missed being his friend. She'd never had the arrogance to hope for more than that, but now she didn't even have that and it was wearing on her.

"I don't care why you stay," she said, knowing he'd argue. "I'm not asking you to stay because of me. I know you don't care. But, please. Just this once. Please stay."

He looked at his rucksack, sitting on the floor. His hand twitched, and she sighed and closed her eyes. She'd lost, again. No matter what she said, he would always leave, and Lily would be staying with her when James went out to look for him in a few days. Rush hated the look on Lily's face, the anxious, pinched look she got when James was gone. Rush tried everything she could to cheer her up, but it didn't work.

"Okay, Rushie."

She opened her eyes. The rucksack was still on the floor, and Sirius looked both amused and defeated. She stared at him, certain she hadn't heard him correctly, almost positive that his "okay" had meant "okay, goodbye" and that he'd walk out the door and disappear for a week or two.

"Okay?" she asked.

He nodded. "I'll stay. This time, I'll stay." He smiled, the first smile she'd seen on him in a long time, and she sighed.

"Well," she said, rubbing her arms. "Well. Good."

He jerked his thumb in the direction of the kitchen. "I don't reckon you'd be up to baking some cookies?"


End file.
